Just a couple months ago, I'd just come back from my Southeast Asia trip. I had a list of a million things I'd do differently and felt ready to take on the world. I promised myself I'd make more time to do the things I love to do outside of work, and even had a schedule of blog topics that I wanted to write on.
Obviously, things didn't quite work out as planned, if you didn't already guess based on the grand total of 0 posts on my site during fall quarter. It's hard to recall every single detail of fall quarter - it already feels like a blur, just like my summer. As much as I told myself that sophomore slump did not have to be a thing, this has by far been my hardest quarter at Stanford so far.
In some ways, this quarter felt like a black box. There were things that I wanted to accomplish, but I didn't quite know how to start. I put in as much effort as I could, but had no idea whether any of it would pay off. I think that's how you know when you really want something - if you're willing to risk dedicating all your time and energy to something with no guaranteed return.
A Lesson on Faith
I've learned a lot about the nature of faith - trusting that when you feel like you have no control, or things seem impossible, that it's all happening for a reason, and that wherever you end up is where you're meant to be. As someone who loves to plan every step of my life out in advance, relinquishing control drove me crazy. I hated that I couldn't predict things, and I hated waiting around for results. I can't say either of those things are fun even now, but I think an element of uncertainty is necessary for personal growth.
“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”
Testing my Limits
In the past, my workload had always consisted of a mix of technical and fuzzy classes, so I had a mix of problem sets and essays. This quarter, all my classes were technical, meaning two psets and a programming project each week was the norm. Adding on a part time job, recruiting, and too many extracurricular activities, this led to quite a few panic attacks throughout the quarter. I snapped for the first time when I realized I had to study for an interview on the Friday of dead week and three finals on the Monday right after.
The moment I came back from Thanksgiving break, my schedule consisted of getting up in the morning at around 8 am, eating breakfast, and then taking practice tests all day, only stopping for meals (if I could fit them in). I'd go to bed around 1 am and repeat the cycle.
The Sunday night before my finals day, I'd planned to study until the last second before going to bed. Instead, my eyes got too tired from staring at problems all day and my head felt like it was going to explode around 4 pm. I put my study materials away and didn't glance at them again even once before I took my finals. I went to bed around 9 pm that night. Not what I'd planned for.
That, I believe, was my limit.
Since I was little, I've been told that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. This always drove me to go for the things I was passionate about. A lot of times, I wasn't naturally good at something, but I would put in ten times the work as everyone else to get to where I wanted to be.
The realization that there are things that won't work out no matter how much effort you've put in is at once devastating and liberating. It's devastating in the sense that one little thing or a stroke of bad luck could throw off all your hard work, but liberating because you come to realize that the result isn't always in your hands - it's in God's. All you can do is put in your best so that you can look back and say that you couldn't have worked any harder.
“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”
So, the question becomes - is it worth it? I would say yes. I learned that I'm capable of pushing myself to the point where I can literally no longer function. I learned that rejections hurt, but that the world doesn't end after one, and most of all, that they just make victories that much sweeter.I learned to surrender control because I had no other choice.
Good People
The quarter was a gentle reminder to thank God for the wonderful people I have in my life. I'm so thankful for the people who I can reach out to when I'm falling apart and trust that they'll be there in an instant. While it's important to maintain a balance of pre professional and academic excellence, people are most worth investing your time in. There's not one study break I regret taking to go spend time with someone I care about.
Post-finals, I spent a couple days on the east coast. The escape from the bubble was much needed, and it reminded me that even the smallest things like grabbing a meal or walking through a street at night can feel absolutely perfect when you're with the right people.
Home Sweet Home
I think growing up in a beautiful place like San Diego spoiled me a bit. I took so many things for granted and didn't quite realize how lucky I was to have so many great places in my backyard. Well, after my first full week of Winter Break, I must say - my hometown is better than yours.
I'd love to hear about your struggles/big wins over the last few months! Other thoughts?
Comment below / contact me / ask me